Old friends and Old demons

In highschool, I was a submissive geek who fell into the ritual of depending on my peers for all my confidence. Being an overly sized girl in a suburban school with the thinnest and palest friends was a huge blow to my self esteem. I followed the fat girl code of conduct respectfully. Being/feeling the most unattractive person in the group, called for enhancing other areas, but not necessarily for the best. And it wasn’t just the fact that I felt unequal; I altered parts of my personality so it would customize to their lifestyle. I now realize how much my friends influenced my life. I would never change my experiences, but I would love to know how they would have resulted if I responded to certain situations differently. Now that I am older, I have come to have a certain value and love for myself. My perspective is different.
With that said, I recently ended a friendship. It hurts to know that this person has participated in a huge part of my life, yet at the same time, has taken so much from me. I lost many friendships in highschool, but this one was particularly special to me. I’ve known for a while that the relationship was going south, but I so hoped that she would recognize certain faults that were unacceptable. Repeatedly, I brushed over those negative actions until it slapped me in the face. What really made the relationship a torture, is that I felt I needed her to be valuable. Every time I was around her, I fell into this state of super submission. And this scared me, because she had easy control over me and my actions. I felt such a deep connection, but my recent conversations with her made it very clear that there was a lack of understanding, compassion and empathy. Those are important factors in sustaining a healthy relationship. When I realized how the friendship wasn’t benefitting us; I discontinued communication. After everything we’ve done together, their will always be a piece of my heart with her. She was like a sister to me, and even though we had many good times, I refuse to downplay the bad times anymore. There’s a time for everything, and maybe this is a season for separation.
I just want to encourage every person out there, that YOU ARE VALUABLE. If you have to change yourself to fit someone else’s mold, there is a lack of appreciation. If someone is your friend, they should care about you, not what they can get from you. And if you feel that is the case, maybe it is not meant to be.

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One thought on “Old friends and Old demons”

  1. Wow. I can defiantly relate to this. I had a similar situation where I had to let go a friend who meant so much to me. Throughout our friendship I bent over backward for her and our friendship was built up on lies. Although I forgave her again and again I realized it was impossible to have a healthy friendship because a part of me resented what she’s done to me in the past. I miss her so much but I know that life goes on and I wish her the best in her life. But I know deep down that I couldn’t be a good friend to her with this resentment built up inside to me.

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